The Unforgivable Films of 2. I’m a big fan of symmetry.
Tomorrow, I’ll be listing my favorite films of the year. Today is the 2. 01. Unforgivables list. The Unforgivables List began in 2. I saw the movie The Switch (the movie with Jason Bateman, Jennifer Aniston and the jizz cup), and it made me so irrationally angry that I actually had to pause the movie and write an angry rant about it to my friends, warning them to never watch the movie.
It went over well. So I decided to make it a thing. This will be my fifth Unforgivables list. The previous “winners” (after The Switch), were Just Go With It, Big Miracle and Identity Thief. Which means that every year, the movie that pissed me off the most starred either: Adam Sandler, Jennifer Aniston, Jason Bateman or Drew Barrymore.
The Unforgivable Films of 2012. This list is getting harder for me to create every year. I’m more positive about movies now than I’ve ever been. Relationship Lessons Learned From The Ashley Madison Hack. unforgivable sin. which does not allow for a couple to reconnect.
Just to give you something to look forward to. The rules for the Unforgivables list are as follows: 1) Regardless of what I rated the film, it needs to have made me angry upon watching it. At this point, that’s pretty much it. I generally try not to feature something I knew going in would be terrible (like, say, I Frankenstein), but sometimes they’re just so bad I can’t help myself.
I also generally try not to include sequels, but in this day and age, it’s hard to maintain that rule. So really the only rule is that the film has to piss me off in some way.
And there are always enough of those. Here are the Unforgivable films of 2. The Amazing Spider- Man 2. I feel vindicated in this decision (not that I need to be) by the fact that the studio that put the movie out also thought it was a piece of shit. Actually, I felt better about this than they did. In both cases, I saw these reboots and thought, “Yeah, okay, that was fun.” I had problems, but they were fun and I gave them a pass. And then a few months passed, and I just completely forgot about them and what happened in them.
And I started thinking about all the other things they represent. And that made me angry. My major problem with these Amazing Spider- Man films is that we’re not learning anything. The first one was essentially the same exact origin story told again. Same exact one. Except they changed the villain and the love interest. Otherwise — exact same story told agan. And while the movie was a certain degree of mindless fun, there wasn’t any point to it.
And it wasn’t good filmmaking by a long stretch. Now here… they took the step that made this franchise Unforgivable.
They started to world build. Don’t do that. Never do that.
I’m getting to the point where I’m starting to want to put Marvel here for their world building shit. But this one is worse. Marvel got themselves up and running, so now I have a completely different set of issues with them.
Here, they’re just world building for no reason at all. Sinister Six, man in the cell, this bullshit, that bullshit — just tell a coherent fucking story and then worry about world- building. I liked how this movie started in the middle of the action. It felt like a comic book. Spider- Man swinging into action to take on Rhino as he steals a truck and leads police on a chase. That’s exactly what a Spider- Man movie should be.
The problem is, it’s all downhill from there. You have dueling villains. The main villain is supposed to be Electro. And the problem there is, they fucked it up from top to bottom.
Jamie Foxx should not have been cast in that role at all. The writing was horrible.
They didn’t develop the character. You didn’t care about him. And he wasn’t even a threat. He just stayed off to the side and was a moody little bitch, and then decided randomly to attack Spider- Man. It was terrible. And then they randomly switch gears and go, “You know, let’s make the Green Goblin our villain.” Which they probably should have done the whole time.
You know, especially if they were gonna kill Gwen Stacy in this one. Maybe develop that story so it has emotional resonance. Also, given Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield’s on- screen chemistry, it was an Unforgivable decision in and of itself to kill her in the second movie and not the third one.)I’m not even going to get into the whole “being the Green Goblin is hereditary” thing.
It’s not even worth the headache. And then they try to introduce other characters, but give them nothing to do. What’s Felicity Jones doing in this movie? What is her purpose?
And Chris Cooper is cast as original Goblin and does nothing. He just lays in bed and dies. Doesn’t even get to do anything. And then there’s the shit with Peter’s parents, which I don’t care about, but apparently he does. And then Denis Leary shows up as a ghost and doesn’t say a word. Just sits there and nods.
What the fuck? And then they want to pretend like people are gonna give a shit about more villains? I actually wanted there to be a scene where he goes emo and dances. That’s how ridiculous this got. Also, Spider- Man listens to Mumford and Sons. What’s more Unforgivable than that? It’s amazing (pun ridiculously intended) how badly they fucked this franchise up.
To think that now they might have to reboot it again after two movies. At this point, the only thing they can do is give it back over to Marvel and let them try to salvage it. Because this isn’t working.
This is truly bad filmmaking, and at this point, they’re just putting these out expecting them to make money, and people are starting to realize it. I’m even angrier about this movie because they got me to fall for it while watching. And then later, when I realized how much of a piece of shit this was, I felt worse about it and myself. And now I’m gonna have to sit through another fucking origin story in three years, the third in 1.
Great. 9. Dumb and Dumber To. I’m not counting this as a sequel, because the title says “To,” meaning “as well.” That’s my logic, and I’m sticking to it. Oh, and by the way, this is a festering piece of toxic banana shit. There’s so much wrong with this movie. It remind me of all that’s wrong with comedy nowadays, and ruins what was a funny movie from 2. I’m not even sure where to begin with it. I guess we’ll begin with the fact that whatever ability the Farrelly brothers had to make a funny movie was lost 1.
I go over this every time they have a movie come out, but the fact remains that it’s been all downhill for them after Me, Myself and Irene. And even if you want to give them up to Stuck on You, you’re still looking at a full decade of absolutely irrefutable garbage movies.) So the idea that they’re gonna make a sequel to one of their funniest movies twenty years later should have filled us all with a sense of impending doom, like that moment you realize a shit is coming, and you’re stuck on a train for the next twelve minutes. The issue with this movie isn’t the fact that the stars are doing the same schtick twenty years later. In fact, I admired how game they were to do it again. It’s not their fault the movie around them is a piece of shit.
The problem is the fact that they didn’t try to do anything new, and repeated the exact same jokes. Because the Farrelly’s have gotten into that mindset of, “People like to be reminded of funny stuff, so if we remind them of the jokes they laughed at last time, they’ll laugh now, and we’ll make a lot of money.” It’s what’s known as Todd Phillips syndrome. It’s also a variation of the Friedberg and Seltzer format, which is, rather than writing jokes, just parade references to things out there and expect people to be amused based on, “I know that!” It’s disgusting. You’re condescending to a lowest common denominator audience. People should be embarrassed by this movie, and not amused by it. This entire movie is essentially a set up for jokes that were told better twenty years ago. The writing of this movie made me embarrassed.
Because it didn’t know what made the first movie so good. It was dumb humor that made it work. These people were idiots. And they were so stupid it was just amusing. Now, they resort to vulgar humor. Which is what comedies are resorting to nowadays. And it just doesn’t work. I don’t need to see Jim Carrey stick his hand in an old woman’s vagina.
Or see Jeff Daniels yank a ten foot catheter out of Jim Carrey’s dick hole. How is that funny? And they make more childish versions of Judd Apatow jokes, which is saying something. And then the actual dumb humor they go for is completely uninspired, because all it’s trying to do is recreate what the first movie did by essentially doing the same thing, only differently.
Oh, and any comedy that uses modern pop music that was released within the previous calendar year is automatically a piece of shit. See: Horrible Bosses 2.
Or pretty much any comedy, really.) Why are you using pop music at all? And why is this movie using pop music? It’s disturbing, and makes me upset at how bad both comedy and music are doing. This movie is a blight upon humanity. Not because it was made. Because it was made badly.
If you’re gonna wait 2. This was a blatant cash grab by people who forgot how to make a decent comedy and are simply ripping off other people (and themselves!) in order to stay relevant. The statute of limitations on cash grabbing expired on this movie a long time ago. But to be fair, the fact that it made money speaks greater volumes on the public at large than it does on the filmmakers. The movie itself speaks volumes about the filmmakers. And how they should probably stop trying to make comedies.
You wanna know how bad this movie is? Jennifer Lawrence filmed a cameo as a young Fraida Felcher, and then used the veto power in her contract to pull the scenes from the movie and have them never be shown. She was more embarrassed of this movie than the pictures there are of her on the internet. And I don’t blame her. Dracula Untold. I tried. I really tried not putting this on here, but it was so awful, and so offensive to me in concept that I couldn’t help myself.
The major problem with this movie — aside from the fact that it’s a piece of vampire bat guano — is that this is Universal trying to world build. Their big franchise has always been their monsters.